


We Deal With Our Issues Like (Incompetent) Men

by CynicalGinger



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Bisexual Male Character, Drunken Flirting, Drunken Kissing, Kissing, M/M, Pansexual Character, apparently being drunk is just how dethklok deals with feelings, discussion of sexuality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-13
Updated: 2017-01-13
Packaged: 2018-09-17 04:36:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9304535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CynicalGinger/pseuds/CynicalGinger
Summary: In retrospect, Skwisgaar should have known that the evening would play out as it did.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Since my longer fic is taking forever to plot out and write, and since I'm starting back at Uni soon, I thought I would try writing some shorter pieces for Toki and Skwisgaar. Here's some really gay stuff!

In retrospect, Skwisgaar should have known that the evening would play out as it did. The other guys had left a while ago - Nathan had gone on a date that promised to be a disaster, Murderface and Knubbler were at some meeting together, and Pickles was on a last minute hunting expedition who knew where. Which left Skwisgaar, Toki, a pile of alcohol, and a recently cleaned, empty hot tub.

 

There was no more inviting place in the world for Skwisgaar. In other circumstances, Toki and Skwisgaar would bicker and aggravate the other until blood was spilled and the normal tension between them turned violent. But the sanctity of the empty hot tub was a different story altogether. With Toki leaning in close to listen and Skwisgaar slinging his arm round the back of the tub to find another beer, there was a sweet intimacy here that they went without too often. There were things they could talk about here that were impossible to discuss in front of the guys. Case in point: "For the loves of Odin, if Moiderface ams trying to act like he ams heteroskeksual it ams sad."

 

Toki nodded vigorously, almost spilling his drink in agreement. "He likes to thinks he just gots unlucky but does he evers looks like he really wants to get the ladyfriends?"

 

"You thinks he ams sabotaging efforts? Pfffft. Even Moiderface couldn't fails to gets ladies on purpose in Dethklok. He ams clearly gay." Proud of his stellar logic, Skwisgaar took another swig. It was clearly helping matters. "I t'inks he aments good at getting the mens either though."

 

Toki snorted. "Nots evens in glory hole?"

 

" _Toki_!" Skwisgaar swatted him playfully. "Don't jokes like dat. We ams stars. Stars don't do dis unless they ams _way_  in the closets." His hand didn't leave Toki's arm, and wow, Skwisgaar always forgot exactly how defined Toki was.

 

" _Moiderface_  waaaaaays back in the closets!" Either Toki wasn't aware that Skwisgaar was stroking his arm or he was pressing into it. "But maybies he ams also into the ladies or the genders-nonconforminks peoples?"

 

"You means not-binarys?" Skwisgaar thought about it for a moment. "No, he ams probablies gay. Because mens ams  _hot_ and Moiderface probablies doesn't know there ams other options."

 

"Mens are good. Ladies and peoples is great too but we gets to kiss them all the times!" Toki was so emphatic about that last point that Skwisgaar remembered when Toki wanted it he could have as many women as Skwisgaar. Maybe more. Maybe it was a European thing. Or maybe Toki was just. Really attractive. Of course Toki was attractive, Skwisgaar reminded himself. Toki was a Scandinavian beauty and no American could come close. Especially none of the guys.

 

"Ja, we ams reduced to only ladies because the guys ams too afraid of liking the mens."

 

"Man, they ams really weaklings." Toki would probably forget everything once he was sober, as would Skwisgaar. So it was safe. There was nothing either of them could say that would have lasting repercussions. "I woulds kiss mens if we hads pretty man groupie sluts whats with nice hairs and good faces." Like that, for example.

 

"Hmmm, depends on how pretties they ams." Skwisgaar had abandoned subtlety a while ago, closing in the distance between himself and Toki. "I don't haves one type, but I gots something in mind."

 

 Toki either got the hint or was playing his own game now. "Oh yeah? You's gonna haves to bes more

specifiks about that."

 

Skwisgaar grinned in spite of himself. "Well, for starts, someone with abs and t'ings. And hairs dat have been kepts well, and… and a reals good smile."

 

"Oh?" Toki lazily dragged his hand over to Skwisgaar's beer and dislodged it from his hand. Beer spilled away from the water, and any attempt to right it was impossible. Not when Toki was holding Skwisgaar's hand. "You knows Skwisgaar, a man who ams like that coulds be tempted." Before Skwisgaar had time to say anything, Toki leant in and gently kissed him. It wasn't the kind of deep, messy kiss Skwisgaar had really wanted, but the thing about it was that it felt good and right in a way that few other things had in a long time. When Toki started pressing small but firm and loving kisses all over Skwisgaar’s face, Skwisgaar could feel himself smiling. He was trying to keep himself from laughing at how _nice_ it felt to be handled this way, and his face hurt from the effort.

 

When he couldn’t smother his laughter any more, Skwisgaar pulled away. He laughed happily, and for whatever reason the universe aligned and Toki was laughing with him instead of taking offence or asking questions. The whole thing was beautiful and wonderful in that it made _him_ feel beautiful and wonderful. Like he was something precious, and like he was in safe hands. Of course Skwisgaar knew that people found him attractive. And he was revered, and envied, and that was good and right, but it had been a long, long time since he had felt happy like this. It was intoxicating, and Skwisgaar wanted more.

 

Wanting more was nothing new to Skwisgaar, but this was that little bit different. He had gotten used to groupies making things effortless. When all he had to do was send for someone and make a gesture, it allowed Skwisgaar to maintain that illusion of aloofness and distant charm. Other people made it deep, other people took clumsy passes and went for Skwisgaar. Skwisgaar did not kiss people sloppily, Skwisgaar did not fumble… and yet that was exactly what he was doing now. He had always thought it was hilarious to say someone was exploring a mouth when kissing. He hadn’t particularly cared for it as anything but a form of foreplay for a long time. Kissing Toki, feeling genuine excitement when his tongue swiped across Toki’s and found reciprocation and enthusiasm, made him feel more alive and enthralled than any of the groupies he had taken to bed lately.

 

As they broke for air, Toki pressed his forehead up against Skwisgaar’s. His breathing was laboured and his eyes screwed shut, and Skwisgaar had never felt more content than he was in that moment. “If you was any others person, I woulds never let you leaves my bed.”

 

“Don’t kids yourself Skwisgaar.” Toki sighed. “If I was anybodies else you woulds get bored.”

 

“Pfft.” It was true. There were few people who could keep Skwisgaar’s attention. “Well, maybies.”

 

Toki leant in and kissed Skwisgaar again. “You wants to… you know whats?”

 

Skwisgaar considered it for a moment. He knew that he might not get another chance to have sex with Toki, but judging by the sheer number of empty bottles scattered round the tub, they were both too drunk to be making decisions about that. Kissing was one thing, but that was another issue entirely. And in any case… “Would likes to, but… I don’ts thinks I ams capables of anything rights now.” He nuzzled at Toki and kissed him, missing his cheek and planting a clumsy kiss near the corner of his forehead. “Can barely thinks abouts anythings as is.”

 

As disappointed as some of his conquests would have been to hear that Skwisgaar Skwigelf couldn’t always get it up and _wasn’t_ a mindless sex maniac, Toki didn’t seem to mind in the slightest. “Honestlies, me too.” He smiled, kissed Skwisgaar’s temple, and slung an arm around him. “You ams still hot though.”

 

“I knows.” Skwisgaar leant back and closed his eyes. “You too, my friend.” He decided that if he remembered any of it later, he would pursue Toki and take him up on his offer. So they weren’t on the best of terms when they were both sober. Things could change.

 

**Author's Note:**

> As always, comments are my motivation and lifeblood.


End file.
